Stream of thoughts for the night before my 18th birthday;

A lot happens in a year. I'm slowly realizing that in those 365 days, nothing stays the same. People leave, and relationships change, and there's no way of stopping it. You just have to accept it. The last 365 days have flown by, and now that I'm looking back at it I wish I would have tried to slow it down. I wish I stopped to smell the flowers more often. In the last 365 days I completed Junior year. Had my last first day of high school. Completed my last Field Hockey season at the high school level. There have been so many more firsts and lasts that have happened and so many more to come. I honestly can't wait to see what this next year brings for me. With graduation around the corner and college, and everything else starting in the fall. I know people always think that it's scary to grow up. But I mean as long as you just learn from your mistakes, and try to take things on as best you can.

Honestly, this time last year, I was in a really dark place. I didn't even know if I'd make it much farther. It was really rocky, and I stayed in that dark place for a really long time. I got myself out of it. I let go of the toxic people, and I pushed away the bad thoughts. I bettered myself for me. I changed how I did things for me, and for no one else. I know a lot of people that focus on a lot of other things besides themselves at this age. Though I feel like right now is the best time to focus on you. 18 year olds have their whole lives in front of them to focus on other people. Right now people should just let them focus on themselves. It's really important.



On another note, I want to make a list of things that I think that I should remember during 2016, and maybe things that you should remember for 2016 too!

I. Let go of the Toxic People, but most importantly let go of Him.
This sounds stupid, but getting over ex's is a very hard thing to do. But now is a good time to let go of the memories, and to let go of the way he made you feel. Just take time to remember why you didn't work out, and to remember how he treated you. Then let go of it. Leave his name in 2015, it's a newer year. Time to focus on a better you.

2. Cherish the Time with Your Parents.
Personally, I feel like I haven't done this. But realistically I have like 8 months left in the house, and then I'm off to college. Obviously I'll come home, but it'll never be the same. And one day they'll be gone. For me, I want to cherish the time I spend with them, and maybe spend more time with them, instead of hating them and always going against them. They are parents after all.

3. Pick Your Battles.
No you won't always get your way, whether it's with friends, or family or school. But you can't make a fuss over everything. Things aren't fair, and some of them won't even matter after a point in time. The things that happen in High School you probably won't remember. Just always remember to do your best with whatever you do. Get the best grades you can. Attend school as much as you can. Just do things for your benefit, not for anyone else. And when things go wrong, don't make a big deal out of it, unless you feel like it's 100% worth it in the end.

4. Someone Might be Better than You.
and that is okay. You just have to accept it.

5. Chose Who Matters Most to You and Hold them Close.
You never know when you're going to lose them, and you never know when things are gonna change and you won't talk to them much. I have a lot of friends that I don't talk to anymore, but I still have the memories. Things change, and that's okay. But for now just remember who your true friends are, and cherish the high school moments you have left with them.



I guess that's all I have for tonight. Birthday stuff going on tomorrow, probably won't post, so Happy New Year to all! :)

xoxo

kay

(p.s. the capitalization is very very random in this post, and I'm very sorry for that)

Long Distance Best Friends are the best of friends..

I have a long distance best friend. Though I've never actually met her, she's always there for me, often more than my actual friends I have in my own town. She lives in Canada, and as weird and dorky as this sounds I met her on tumblr. So, if you're ever in doubt of trying to form a long distance best friend, just do it! I was super scared to open up to a complete stranger, but I mean everyone starts as strangers at first! I mean, you may live 5 minutes away, or 7 hours away, no matter what you can still be best friends!

SO, I'll tell you the story of how my best friend (her name is Hannah) and I met: 

It had been a long night, and I had been struggling with a lot at that point in time. So, on tumblr I posted something saying for people to talk to me, and message me on Kik. Usually people end up messaging for like not even 10 minutes and then ignoring me. But Hannah was different, she messaged me and we talked on and off for like a week. Then we stopped talking (later to figure out I thought she ignored me but just lost all her KIks, and forgot my username) but I messaged her and we kept talking. Basically we got really close over a couple of months and then she asked if we could skype, and I agree. My fear was that it was going to be hella awkward. But I mean it was for a period of time. And then we got super comfortable with each other. And now we have like 3 hour skype conversations...and we constantly message each other. I'm closer with her than my friends in my own state.

The only thing that sucks is half the time our convos go:

Me: come over and eat pizza with me

Her: on my way

Me: fuck see you in 11 hours 😫 

Her: dammit right. 

So basically life dream is to meet her in real life. And such, obviously. But I'm so thankful for her, and all she's done for me. Through boys, and drama. She's there. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

I guess that my story for tonight. Something I wanted to talk about. 

My mail is always open; we can be good friends I promise. (Forever.kaylah@gmail.com)

xoxo

kay 

It's almost Christmas Eve, and I've never hated Christmas More...

I know that that sounds incredibly awful, but it's true. Like it does not feel like December, it doesn't feel like Christmas, it doesn't feel like I'm almost 18. It just doesn't. AHHHHHH help. I'm 110% the Grinch of the family this year. (IT WOULD REALLY HELP IF WE HAD SNOW >:O)

Alright besides that, I mean I'm just so distant from my mom and dad right now because I'm trying to figure out me, and what I want to do, and their opinions and advice that they've given me, I mean trust me it helps a lot, but I just need space I guess. I don't want to be pressured to go somewhere because of them. So, distance from both house holds sucks. I wish it didn't happen, and I wish I wasn't stressed out. I just want it to be happy and merry and feel like Christmas. I mean either way, as you get older, your interest and excitement in Christmas goes down. Once you stop believing in Santa, it's over... Sucky

I wish I could go back to a time when I still believed in Santa.

DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON CHRISTMAS MUSIC. It makes me want to stab the radio. I used to love it, and now it just irritates me SO much. And it's Christmas Eve Eve so I mean it's literally on every single radio station ever created. Resulting in a very angry me.

Anyways, I'm going to go force myself to watch Christmas movies, and eat Christmas cookies, maybe it'll get me in the spirit some. (I'm only hoping)

Either way,
I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas, and if I don't post before then a Happy New YeaR (and birthday to me :) )

Remember you can always email me: foreverkaylah@gmail.com


xoxo
kay

So tired...

Hi guys. Sorry that I haven't posted in a few days. I'm just really tired, between school, and work, and swimming, I feel like I have no time on my hands to do anything else. I think that things are getting better though. Hopefully I'll be less stressed because Christmas break is coming up soon. I hope that things start getting better. I guess that goes to say that I'm getting bad again, and you probably don't know what that means, but some of you probably do. Just so sick of this never ending cycle...*sigh*

Well, anyways...I got voted to do this school wide competition for Poetry Out Loud. I guess I'm pretty pumped. Though I'm kind of nervous because I'm not the type to get up in front of a bunch of people and say things, especially a poem that I had to memorize. I like poems though, I also like poetry, maybe I'll share some sometime.

On another note, for some reason I've been becoming more confident with who I am, and in class and around people. Like I'm starting to realize that some things just aren't as big of a deal as I make them out to be. I think that's it's a good thing. I'm finding my voice, and I'm trying to speak it out. I hope it keeps going, and I don't turn back into my awkward shy old self.

That's all I got for today because I'm super tired and I think I'm going to try to nap before I go to my swim meet. Sorry it's so short..I'll try to think of a good topic for my next post. I'm sure that something will come up, it's around Christmas time, can't wait to see what happens then....
I hope all is well with you guys, have a wonderful night, and weekend. :)

my mail box is always open: forever.kaylah@gmail.com
even if you just want to chat, or vent or anything or just leave me a message...always open..



xoxo kay

I'm sorry, I might have forgotten about you...

Okay, I'm super sorry. I suck at this already. I forgot to post for like probably a week. My life is just so stressful and busy and a jumbled mess right now.
Well, anyway, here's my first rant:

This week/weekend I heard someone say to their kid, who looked about my age or maybe older or younger, that they weren't stressed out because they weren't an adult yet, and they didn't have a valid reason to be because they were "just a kid". It really bugged me. (the things I hear while I'm Christmas shopping though) I mean come on people. We might be kids, but we have problems too. Sure maybe we aren't as stressed out as adults. But I mean they are two different stress levels. Yes "kids" can be stressed out. I am basically all the time. Like we have stuff that we are dealing with, that the "adults" in our lives aren't even seeing because theyre too "stressed out" to pay attention. To all teenagers who are going through a lot, and are stressed out, keep doing you, because it will get better I promise.

Just informing the people that don't thinks that us "kids" can't be stressed out, here's what I deal with juggling every week:
-Work
-School
-Homework
-Friends
-Boyfriend
-Sport (swimming)
-Grades
-DECIDING WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE
-Sleep

Okay, I know some of those are kid of tied together, but serriously, for all you cluless people. High Schoolers so juggle a lot, and half the time you don't even SEE that we're struggling. So I think we do it better honestly.

ANYWAYs, I'm super tired, and though this was a short post (sorry) I have to stop writing, and sleep.
Good night darling <3

Feel free to email me anytime, for anything: forever.kaylah@gmail.com

My mail box is always open~

xoxo kay

This is a lot harder than I thought..

This is a lot harder than originally planned. You know I thought I would post stuff on here and it would all be find and dandy, but it's much more complicated than that. I typed out this long post, venting to you about my life. I couldn't post it. I couldn't be that raw on the internet, even though people aren't even going to read this. So, what I'm saying is technically this is post two. But I'll just tell you a little of the basics about me.

I'm seventeen and in high school. Being completely honest it's so much more stressful than I ever imagined. Don't let people tell you that it's not, because in the moment it definately is. Also trying to juggle friends, and relationships, and work, and homework, and sports and everything. It's rough, but you'll get used to it, or you'll just struggle with it for the year, and that's okay. It's a lot, I mean you're trying to decide the next four years to the rest of the years of you life, all lies in your hands at seventeen/eighteen years old. It's crazy to think about.
Nothing really prepares you for what's coming. I've struggled with depression, anxiety, self harm, eating disorders all throughout school. I usually managed it pretty well, but junior and senior year seemed to make everything a lot worse. I promise it will get better, and you can do it. Just think, you've done it for days, and months and maybe even years like myself, but you can keep going. It gets better.
The high school change was drastic for me. It wasn't a very stable change, and I wish the series of event that happened didn't, but they did and that's what makes me the me I am today. Life's complicated, and you just gotta keep going.

The point of this blog is to help you and make you realize that you're not alone. You are not the only one. I know speaking up and out seems like it's the hardest thing to do. I get it, I do understand. The goal is for people to hopefully read this and take advice, feel less alone in this crazy world. Knowing that I'm always here for you. I'll share personal experieces and lessons that I've learned and hopefully some of it will help. I can only hope that from this I help more than myself. And maybe at some point I hope some of you are willing to share you story or stories on here. I can post them 100% anonomous,, and your idendity stays with me, or you can put your name on it, totally your own decision.

Feel free to email me anytime, for anything: forever.kaylah@gmail.com

My mail box is always open~


xoxo kay